Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Say Doc, I Got A Little Problem...

I am so excited! Yesterday, I happen to discover a little Barnes & Noble Nook icon on my laptop. It was way down on the bottom, mixed in with 3,455 other icons that I never use. I was so surprised when I clicked on it, to find that it was ebooks that I could download and read on my PC!(My laptop, for those who are a few years behind in the technology world, as I am.) I am perhaps a bit of a speed reader. I can read a 500 page book in a weekend. How can I do that? I skim. When the author starts to take 788 paragraphs to describe a green, grassy meadow, my eyes glass over and they tend to hydroplane until we get back to the interesting part of the story. (I swear they only do that to fill up the book. If it wasn't for their publisher breathing down their necks to fill up those 500 pages, they would all be writing 50 page books of good juicy stories without the 450 pages of  boring "fluff." Like they should be! I know it's all about the $$$$, but that's just my 2 cents.) Anyway, last night I downloaded a book on my computer and I was all snuggled up cozy on the couch, reading away. My cellphone was laying on the coffee table beside me and it "dinged" with a message. I reached over and saw that it was from one of my daycare moms. It said, "I think I have a diagnosis..." and a big blue arrow. I pressed the arrow and it took me to the next page. There was a big word at the top displayed like a dictionary definition. It said,

1. A disease that is associated with all things vintage.
1. Elevated heart rate when entering thrift shops,
followed by excitement.
2. Hours of wasted time searching the Internet for vintage inspiration
and/or bargain buys.
3. Almost always causing road accidents after braking suddenly
for a newly discovered thrift shop or garage sale.
4.Starting to experience an immunity to the smell of mothballs.
(If you start enjoying the smell of mothballs,
please seek professional help immediately)
O.k. here's the really funny part. Well, it might only be funny to me, as my sense of humor is a little off the wall at times. If you are a guy, you probably won't think this is funny at all. Sorry. Well, because I was reading a book on my laptop, and my brain/eyes were in "skim mode," when I read that first word, "Vintageitis" my eyes/brains read it as Vagenitis. (Vaginal infection, fellas. Sorry.)
One of the other things about my brain, is it tends to put 344 thoughts into a 2 second time frame. When I thought I was reading about vagenitis, my brain said...."Oh no, **** or one of her friends needs to switch to cotton underwear. I know she didn't mean to send this to me. Do I let her know I got it, or just pretend I didn't get it? Do they know they can just go to Walmart and take care of this? Do I tell them? This is just way to much info!" Then in the 3rd second, while I was reading the symptoms, my brain told me to go back and read the first word again. That's when I realized what I was reading and I really laughed! I wrote back something about confessing to sniffing mothballs or something. (I also wrote, JUST KIDDING! I do not sniff mothballs, or anything for that matter. Well, maybe a few heavy diapers as they walk past me, but that's another post.) Then I asked her what the cure was. She wrote back, Pure Indulgence. I can live with that, Doc. I can live with that.